Single is not a disease. You know what should be a disease? Relationship hopping. Some people are willing to settle for anybody, just to have somebody and end up with a nobody. Settling never turns out good. No person is ever going to be perfect but way too many people settle for things THEY KNOW are wrong or messed up. The sad truth is people settle for the love they THINK they deserve.
You deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect you. You deserve better than someone who makes you change who you are just to be with them. You deserve better than someone who gets thrills off of creating relational drama. Our problem is we have no standards and no boundaries and way too many people are seriously out here just doing anything so they can post it and create an image of themselves that is imaginary.
You can tell everything you need to know about a partner by the kind of relationship they have with God. If it’s not God’s best? Wait. Don’t settle. I know how hard waiting is or secretly hoping this time will be thee time, believe me I get it. God is more then able to provide all of your needs in the mean time if you let Him. Don’t let a day that’s not an actual holiday ruin your day and if you really want candy & flowers you can buy them for yourself tomorrow at 50% off.
Since Father’s Day is approaching I wanted to take a moment and post something that was for the men specifically. I for one am a little sick and tired of everyone always beating on the men. There are good men and there’s not just five, there’s a lot of them. If you happen to be someone that can’t find one it’s probably where you’re looking and if you can’t seem to stop picking bad ones then sweetheart with all due respect, the problem isn’t them it’s you. I understand there are some dead beats out there, but there’s good and bad in every kind under the sun and maybe you have never met a dead beat mom but they exist far more then ever gets acknowledged. Domestic Violence is bad, people should never beat on each other but that goes for women too. As an actual DV survivor? Nothing ticks me off more then a woman who abuses a man continuously emotionally and physically until he explodes and then pulls the woman card. You women are disgraceful and what you’re doing is selfish because there are actually women who stalked, held hostage, and killed. So when you can’t keep your hands to yourself because you have emotional problems you haven’t dealt with yet… but I’m gonna leave that alone until another post.
Society has managed to do something pretty awful. Something that if it was corrected would solve A LOT of the issues going on in the world today. Men have been victims of an all out war waged against them by the devil himself. God created man in His image and likeness. Not angels or anything else. God created man. God created woman out of man. If we look back over the last 20-years society has always been constructed to assassinate the man. Everything is designed for them to fail. Images of them with absolutely no self-control when it comes to sex get shoved down their throat at a very early age and almost every main stream music, movie, or product is strategically designed to portray them as an animal, giving you the impression that their life revolves around women, sex, beer, and sports. There is a generation of women that actually believe it’s okay for a man to cheat because “that’s what (insert race or negative term about a man of your choice) men do”. Then in the 90’s they were fed the womanizing gangster mentality and thus the “independent woman” “single mom” came into full swing as the “norm” and women got so independent they began to not need a man at all so when we rolled in to 2000 they just began sharing clothes since the roles had almost completely reversed and women now believe that they don’t need a man for anything.
So… I could get into so much more but that’s not what the purpose of this post is. I wanted to take some time out and speak a word of encouragement to the men. Not every woman thinks she doesn’t need one of you. In fact, there is a whole bunch of us who believe in who God called and created you to be. So on behalf of those women (and I assure you there are at least a million of us) I want you to know that the world is desperately in need of you to rise up and recognize the authority that God has placed inside of you. God created you to be so much stronger then you were probably ever taught that you were. When God gave Adam dominion over the earth, he was giving it to you so if you get yourself aligned (John 3:16) you absolutely already have everything inside of you to right a lot of wrongs.
Being the best at everything or allowing your value to come from material status and possessions is only a comforting goal for fools. These things are irrelevant to a man of God because he understands he was made in the image and likeness of his creator and everything he needs to be a man, husband, & father has already been placed inside of him with the maximum amount needed for greatness. Greatness is inside of you because God put it there and the only thing you really need to do is find it and activate it.
Happy Father’s Day
The best relationship advice I ever received was, “Don’t settle for Ishmael because God has your Isaac on the way.” At the time I received this advice, I ignored this advice and ended up in the WORST relationship I had ever experienced and almost lost my life. The point is, WAIT ON GOD. Don’t settle, don’t try to help God out, don’t try to hurry Him along, and don’t try to dress up the Ishmael YOU chose and parade him around like he’s Isaac. We can save ourselves a lot of necessary pain, tears, and delay of our promise if we learn to just WAIT.
For those of you who may not be familiar with this bible story I’ll give you a quick overview (strongly encourage you to look it up and read it for yourself it begins Genesis 17) God tells Abraham’s wife Sarah that she’s going to have a baby, she’s already 90 and decides to “help God out” and tells her husband to go into her maid and that’s when Ishmael is born. As you can imagine that didn’t go over too well when the baby got here and there was quite the commotion, and to make a long story short Isaac was born as God had promised and they could have saved themselves a whole bunch of trouble had they had just been patient.
This may be my first blog that turns into a slow rant yet a testimony. I saw something today that disturbed my spirit enough to write about it.
Today I happened to see a name fly through one of my social media pages that almost made me throw-up. My regular blog readers already know that I am a huge advocate for Domestic Violence, been trained as a DV counselor, and am also a DV survivor. I was married to someone for a very short period of time who was a childhood sweetheart and who also tried to kill me twice and one of the two times held me hostage for over 4-hours. Needless to say Fam, we live & we learn. The scary part is when people don’t learn.
So I saw this guy’s name fly through my news feed and what I saw made me sad. The kind of sad you get when you KNOW something terrible is going to come out of a situation. I saw a young lady posting all these “Free so-n-so” and quoting lines that the above mentioned nut job has been using since he & I were kids, posting jail mail graffiti name drawings (his notorious jail calling card) Surprise, surprise he was also apparently in jail … which is really not a surprise because in the 20 years I’ve known him, that’s where he usually spends most of his time. The most sickening part was this young lady post statements like “after everything you’ve been through…” I just shook my head. The person she was speaking of has a publicly known track record for beating women bloody (which of course I found out too late obviously).
Here’s my question though, if you meet a new person and you catch wind of a DV history and multiple ones at that, does it ever occur to you that that’s a warning sign? Most people will play it off and blame a “crazy baby mother/father” which is fine and in some cases true. If you research statistics though, once someone has determined that communicating with violence in intimate relationships is okay, they do it to multiple people.
My Mother used to say “a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots”, I agree to a certain degree. I’m a believer that with God all things are possible and if I didn’t there wouldn’t be any hope for me either then because nobody is perfect. However, some folks ain’t livin right and aren’t even trying for that matter. There are simple common sense things though that we should pay attention to.
Ladies & Gentlemen (because Lord knows there are plenty of men that get hit by women and not too many people address it, but it does happen and women can absolutely be abusive. 9 out of 10 times a victim of domestic violence that is in need of healing and doesn’t get it will then attach herself to a man she can control as a way of getting back the control that was stolen, just like men with a history of child abuse statistically often grow up to become abusers) if the person your dating has a history of domestic violence, investigate. It might save your life.
The best advice about dating and relationships I ever got was from one of my closest friends, Grand Giovanni (yes, the same Grand Giovanni the Battlegrownd Entertainment Artist you can find plenty of information on throughout the blog and hear his MXTP “Life on Mars” via Dat Piff http://www.datpiff.com/Grand-Giovanni-Life-On-Mars-mixtape.411509.html)
I will never forget the day he sat me down and said “Listen, there are 2 kinds of men you have to stay away from. The first is a man who doesn’t wash his hands when he comes out of the bathroom and the second is any man that knows you’re in a relationship or knows your man, and still approaches you anyway. Those kind of men don’t have any respect, it violates the man code and they are capable of anything because they don’t respect anything.”
Funny as it may sound, it was absolutely true and it absolutely also applies to women. Now before you get all upset, it doesn’t mean those people are bad people and there’s no hope for them. However, for your own benefit, take the lesson. All of us hit different moods and points in our lives that can impact and change our mindset. I use this one quite often, most women who are considered “hoes” suffered some sort of sexual trauma or domestic violence and being a “hoe” is only a means of lashing out. You can research that, it’s absolutely true.
If a person consciously sees something they want, and will go after it even though it’s morally wrong and disrespectful? Well what you need to gain from that perspective is that at this present moment, that person is capable of anything. Everything in life has limits and boundaries. The choices a person makes if you read into them in even the simplest ways, can tell you everything you need to know. If you chose to become involved with a person moving that way, don’t get upset when you’re lied to or cheated on. We have to make the best decisions for our own lives and relationships based on the wisdoms that are available to us. If not, we are choosing to find out the hard way like so many of us do (me included). Bottom line is, if you do the same things you’ve always done, don’t get mad when you get what you’ve always got.
Check your baggage before boarding!
If you have ever traveled by airplane you know that your baggage is only allowed to weigh a certain amount or it will not be boarded. Some of your bags are too big to be carry-on’s and must be stored at another part of the plane while some bags you can carry on the plane. Both sets however, must meet the weight requirements. How much trouble would it save us if before we decided to date someone, we could put their soul on a spiritual baggage scale? We’d then know in a moment if this soul was too heavy to fly with.(BRAINFOOD… Pay attention)
Unfortunatley, lots of us move from relationship to relationship and never check our baggage before boarding. This often times results in us repeating the same cycle in relationships, often with similar patterns or problems. Checking your baggage can be a lengthy and painful process sometimes. Only you and God know what truly has formed your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions over the course of your life. It is not fair for you to get into a relationship with someone else without taking a self inventory of what you’re bringing to the table. Take a look at the list below and answer the following questions honestly.
- I have been a victim/witness/abuser of child abuse
- I have been a victim/witness/abuser of sexual abuse
- I have been a victim/ witness/abuser of domestic violence
- I have been married before
- I have been divorced
- I am legally separated
- I have no contact with any family
- I have been homeless
- I have experienced substance abuse either self or family
- I have experienced a horrific disaster natural or otherwise
- I have filed bankruptcy
- I have been incarcerated
- I have experienced trouble with the law self or immediate family
- I have been a victim/witness/abuser of spiritual abuse either by family or ministry
- I have been adopted
- I was raised in foster care
- I have an un-treated mental illness
- I was raised by family other than my peternal Mother and Father
- I was raised in a single parent home
- I have children and have never been married
- I have unresolved immediate family issues
All of us (including myself) have experienced these kinds of things in life. These kinds of things chart paths in our lives and sometimes leave lasting impressions. Relationships are most successful when the two people involved are both whole people on their own FIRST. Two half people don’t make two whole. We have to give ourselves permission to heal and ask for help sometimes. I point these things out because unhealed pain from those things can start growing weeds in every other area of your life. Give yourself permission to get to know yourself. It is so unfair to make another person pay for a heart they didn’t break. It’s mostly though, unfair to yourself. Life is short, it’s percious. Live it at it’s maximum capacity, especially in love.
I am well qualified to speak on the subject of relationships. I’ve been in LOTS of bad ones, a couple of decent ones, a few absolute disasters, and then a real one. I’m also an actual Marriage Educator so for all you fine folks who don’t think experience counts for squat in wisdom, I’m credentialed. So many people, too many people are under the impression “good men & good women” don’t exist. It’s just not true. Here’s a little painful truth though… 9 times out of 10 you don’t ATTRACT a good one is because you’re not a good one…. Yet. “Good” doesn’t have anything to do with having a good paying job. They could have a crappy paying job but be an amazing human being that you might just pass by for some jerk that doesn’t give two cents about you because they make more money. Let me clue you in about making relational decisions based on a dollar amount. IT ALWAYS GETS SOLD TO THE HIGEST BIDDER. #fixyourface Look the person your with (or have been with)… can you say in your heart that if you got hit by a car and could no longer walk, would they be there? If you were involved in an accident and could never have sex again, would they stay? If you got laid off, would they stand by you? I’m not asking you anything I never asked myself. The scary part was when I asked myself those questions, the answers were all no and I was married.
People settle for the love they THINK they deserve. If you did not grow up and see a functional healthy relationship, how do you expect to have one? *crickets*. I hate to be the bearer of bad news Fam, but just because the majority of behaviors you see people do, doesn’t make it right. Folks jump into relationships with baggage, unrealistic expectations, and wounds that have never been healed. Now if you get 2 people together like this? Disaster. Even 1 of the 2? Disaster. 2 half people don’t make 1 whole. Most people are not successful in relationships because they don’t know how to be single. POW.
I know I just opened many cans of worms, don’t worry… I’m going to expand on those in later posts but for now I want to give you some jewels about what a REAL healthy relationship should look like… and if yours doesn’t? You and only you need to think about why… and in some cases (i.e. Domestic Violence), I’m sorry Luvs… it never will.
I used to be one of those people that just thought I had an A-hole magnet built in that I couldn’t find. Then finally after years of precious time, energy, tears all of which by the way you don’t ever get back I realized the problem was me. People did me dirty, sure…But I let them. See for a long time, I didn’t know my worth and I settled for ANYBODY, just to have SOMEBODY, so I didn’t feel like NOBODY. Granted, there are some folks that are just plain crazy and you get side swiped. Trust me, I know. But if this is a continual pattern? It’s you. Kids that grow up in homes where the parents fist fight, 9 times out of 10 find themselves in a similar relationship at some point in their life. When I referred to baggage, Fam… if you have had some traumatizing event (rape, DV, sexual abuse) happen to you and you have never gotten proper healing or help? You’re not going to find that in another person. That person will NEVER be able to “fix you”, only God does that. If you continue on that path you are setting yourself up to be hurt over and over again. People walk by mirrors every day… Some even spend hours in them but they never see themselves. You should ALWAYS have something in yourself to work on. It’s so dangerous when you think you’re fine. You’re not. Nobody is. But some stuff? We do it to ourselves. I hate to use this as an example but it’s the truth. If you are half naked or all the way naked on the internet… you either truly just dig yourself naked and don’t give a rat’s ass who sees you or you are empty in a place that never gets filled and the temporary satisfaction of attention numbs it enough that you can carry on. The thing is though, if that’s you…don’t get upset with “thirsty” or an ability to find somebody real. You’re going to get what you are setting yourself up to attract. If you don’t like it, change it.
FRIENDSHIP: You should never, ever, ever date a person or try to build a relationship with someone who is not your FRIEND. What is a friend? Someone you can talk to, TRUST, someone you enjoy hanging out with, doing activities, share your hopes & dreams… get it? None of this has anything to do with sex. Sex should NEVER be confused with a relationship. Some folks are happy with relationships that are “just sex”, but somebody ALWAYS gets hurt in those. If you are looking for something more then sex, START BEING A FRIEND 1st. Do you remember the days you were in school? All you had was the phone. You’d talk for hours…Some of us had better “puppy love” relationships then adult relationships. Unfortunately, for most people they have sex first then end up in a relationship after they’ve had sex a few times. If you build a house, the foundation comes first. If it’s not strong? That house, comes tumbling down. If you skip out on getting to knows somebody, it’s your own fault when a year later you start discovering all these things you don’t like or can’t live with.
LOVE THY SELF: If you don’t love you… don’t expect anyone else to know how to love you. Loving yourself is not being conceited. It’s loving & respecting yourself as a valuable human being and setting up boundaries of what is and is not okay for you. This doesn’t happen overnight, it’s taken me 30 years and I’m still learning but you have to start somewhere. For me personally, if somebody starts yelling & swearing in a basic disagreement of opinion? That’s a reflag for me personally and I’m all set on the conversation. I’m not yelling back, I’m hanging up. If we just started talking and you ask me for anything that involves nudity? Goodbye. I also no longer EVER consider dating anyone that can’t take care of themselves. I take care of myself, you need to be able to take care of yourself. Then? Maybe if it goes right we grow into taking care of each other. Again, those are just some things that are important to me PERSONALLY. Only you know what YOUR standards are but sadly many people don’t have ANY. Get some.
RED FLAGS: Stop ignoring them. You know, that one thing a person says and all of your internal warning bells go SICK and you ignore it… Doesn’t it always come back to bite you?
UNDERSTAND CHANGING PEOPLE IS NOT AN OPTION: This never works and anyone who “changes for you” is an idiot. When you change, it has to be for you. If it’s not a personal desire for someone to stop drinking, smoking, cheating, overeating, etc it won’t last. Men & Women are not your personal social service projects. If they can’t take care of themselves, how are they ever going to help take care of you & vice versa?
ASK QUESTIONS: It is not against the law to find out what is going on. If you were going to spend your money, you know what you’re buying right? Why do you eat at your favorite restaurant why do you buy those kind of sneakers? Why did you buy this car? You know something about it before you buy it. Relationships are investments. Make informed decisions before you invest.
RESPECT: The relational bar of respect is evident from the very beginning. It comes across in communication (tone of voice, word choice, body language). Watch the way the person interacts with their family, friends, co-workers, society, etc. It’s a pretty good insight to who they are as a whole.
This is just a small tip of the iceberg. Don’t give up fam…it’s never too late to fix it. I only say that because I am not perfect, I’m not special, and have been through a young marriage that ended in divorce and a stupid adult marriage that ended in annulment and almost cost me my life. I spent almost 2 years, SINGLE. Healing. Then one day out of nowhere, the most amazing friend & person I’ve ever met fell into my lap. It happens Fam…I’m no different then any of you, but I had to start with me. It hurt like hell…but I made it.