Monthly Archives: October 2013
THANKSGIVING IS FAST APPROACHING…..
Stratfield Apartments in Bridgeport, CT is public housing for seniors and individuals with disabilities. They are currently asking for donations of prepared food trays for Wednesday, November 27th in order to provide a Thanksgiving dinner for the 192 residents who live there. If you or your organization are able to help or donate please call (203) 366-4321.
Some of you may or may not know that I am an actual relationship counselor / marriage educator but in my opinion since I’ve had so many of my own personal disasters in relationships, it well qualifies me to speak on the subject. I see something with couples over and over and over again that quite frankly it is purely annoying. Have you ever noticed when couples break up, all of the sudden they have a new lease on life? Everybody’s in the gym, getting make-overs, etc. ? I know I’m going to step on some toes, but seriously think about this… did you ever stop and think maybe if you did those things while you were in your relationship you’d still be in one?
Fam there are some relationships that need to be over, don’t mistake what I’m saying. There are some relationships that both parties have done so much dirt, there really is no healthy way to recover. For some reason most people are under the impression it is the other person’s job to make them happy. It’s not. Your happiness is your job. A good portion of this is people have no idea how to be single. Being single successfully means that you find meaningful activities in life that you enjoy all by yourself. You know how to take care of you and your business without someone’s help. Ideally, you then should consider these things in a partner before getting involved. Two half people don’t and won’t ever make one whole person. The key to being successfully single is becoming a whole person on your own before you find yourself engaged with another person.
In a healthy relationship there is mutual love, respect, trust, and decision. Decision means the decision to love & commit. Nobody feels in love all the time and anyone that says they do is a liar. Commitment is a decision. Sometimes it’s a decision we have to remind ourselves of all the time, especially when the flame of love is burning dim. No relationship is perfect and every relationship goes through hard times. There are things though that you can stay on top of in order to help that flame keep burning.
- ADMIT WHEN YOU NEED HELP- Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If your relationship is in trouble, get help. The first relational example people have is their parents. Nobody’s parents are perfect, but if you have never had a good role model of what a healthy relationship looks like, chances are it’s very difficult for you to nail down what you should be doing. We are products of our environment and we need to be mature enough to realize that consciously or not, it affects us.
- KEEP YOURSELF RIGHT- Lots of people get too comfortable in relationships. Just because you’re in a committed relationship now, does not mean that you now have a pass to be a slob. If you and your partner were both always slobs, then slob away. In most cases though, the consistent complaint for both men and women is that their partner does not take care of themselves anymore. Your health and appearance should be a concern of yours. You don’t have to be a runway model or posing for GQ, but you should keep yourself neat, clean, and comb your hair.
- DATE NIGHT- Even if you have kids, you have to schedule a date night. If money is an issue, go for a walk. Couples need couple time. Family time is different.
- OUTSIDERS- Stop bringing everyone into your relationship! Married people: STOP ASKING SINGLE PEOPLE OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED FOR ADVICE! I’m not even going to explain that because if you can’t figure out why that’s the worst idea ever, you may just need to learn on your own.
- THE FAM- Be very careful what you tell your family & friends. YOUR Family and YOUR friends are always going to be on YOUR side. It’s not necessary to tell your Sister every time your husband does anything that annoys you because then it automatically annoys her and she’ll be less forgiving because it’s not her husband. ( Any form of abuse is a whole other story) When you do this, it also puts you at high risk of absorbing someone else’s problems. You ever have that one co-worker that hates work, then all of the sudden before Friday there’s now a clan of people who hate work? Misery loves company.
- HOW YOU GET EM, IS HOW YOU KEEP EM. – This is my own personal theory. If you’re a guy who calls every morning and every night, you have now set the bar in the relationship that you will always be a communicator. If you’re a woman who cooks for him every night, you have now set the bar that you’re someone who cooks. The beginning of a relationship is crucial time that you unknowingly or not set the standard for what the other person can expect. This works in reverse too though. If the woman doesn’t keep her house decent as a girlfriend, don’t expect her to be a wife or a mother now and magically keep house. If he’s a jobless boyfriend most of the time, don’t expect an employed husband.
I always get chewed out for this comparison at first, but it’s the God’s honest truth. Relationships (all kinds) are business decisions. That relationship is going to be an asset or liability. When an insurance company picks your rate, they give you that rate based on the evidence they have in front of them about you as a driver. Before getting into a relationship, look at what you already know. Some of us could and could have saved ourselves a lot of time and trouble had we done this.
“Relationships are gardens. You can’t expect to harvest what you don’t plant. “- QTP
The best advice about dating and relationships I ever got was from one of my closest friends, Grand Giovanni (yes, the same Grand Giovanni the Battlegrownd Entertainment Artist you can find plenty of information on throughout the blog and hear his MXTP “Life on Mars” via Dat Piff http://www.datpiff.com/Grand-Giovanni-Life-On-Mars-mixtape.411509.html)
I will never forget the day he sat me down and said “Listen, there are 2 kinds of men you have to stay away from. The first is a man who doesn’t wash his hands when he comes out of the bathroom and the second is any man that knows you’re in a relationship or knows your man, and still approaches you anyway. Those kind of men don’t have any respect, it violates the man code and they are capable of anything because they don’t respect anything.”
Funny as it may sound, it was absolutely true and it absolutely also applies to women. Now before you get all upset, it doesn’t mean those people are bad people and there’s no hope for them. However, for your own benefit, take the lesson. All of us hit different moods and points in our lives that can impact and change our mindset. I use this one quite often, most women who are considered “hoes” suffered some sort of sexual trauma or domestic violence and being a “hoe” is only a means of lashing out. You can research that, it’s absolutely true.
If a person consciously sees something they want, and will go after it even though it’s morally wrong and disrespectful? Well what you need to gain from that perspective is that at this present moment, that person is capable of anything. Everything in life has limits and boundaries. The choices a person makes if you read into them in even the simplest ways, can tell you everything you need to know. If you chose to become involved with a person moving that way, don’t get upset when you’re lied to or cheated on. We have to make the best decisions for our own lives and relationships based on the wisdoms that are available to us. If not, we are choosing to find out the hard way like so many of us do (me included). Bottom line is, if you do the same things you’ve always done, don’t get mad when you get what you’ve always got.
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I think I’m long overdue to step on some toes. I’m going to destroy an idea that too many people have with the truth. The truth is God loves you. Period, point blank, end of story. People may not love you… hell, most people won’t even like you but that’s okay! My belief is if they don’t own some sort of heaven or hell to put you in? Don’t worry about it.
Fam, life is a test. We may not always understand it or agree with it but everything is an opportunity for you to accumulate wisdom and grow… even the things that hurt. Have you ever heard the term growing pains? It’s true. Growing hurts. Most of the time, a breakdown is right before a break through and a setback is actually a set up for something greater.
Nobody walking the earth is perfect and anyone who says they are is a liar. The hardest enemy you will ever face off against is yourself. Our thoughts, emotions, fears, experiences, joy’s, hurt’s, & pains are all personal. They happened to YOU. They have shaped and molded what you perceive reality to be. This though, is not a free pass for you to behave like a moron. We all have had things happen to us, we have all had moments where we felt like God forgot about us and questioned the significance of our very existence. Here’s the thing though, you must conquer those things and the emotions that are attached to them or you are giving them permission to wreak havoc on the rest of your life and your relationships. You will never be perfect, you will mess up…. But you can’t give up.