#Relationships101 by QTP Good Men, Good Women
I am well qualified to speak on the subject of relationships. I’ve been in LOTS of bad ones, a couple of decent ones, a few absolute disasters, and then a real one. I’m also an actual Marriage Educator so for all you fine folks who don’t think experience counts for squat in wisdom, I’m credentialed. So many people, too many people are under the impression “good men & good women” don’t exist. It’s just not true. Here’s a little painful truth though… 9 times out of 10 you don’t ATTRACT a good one is because you’re not a good one…. Yet. “Good” doesn’t have anything to do with having a good paying job. They could have a crappy paying job but be an amazing human being that you might just pass by for some jerk that doesn’t give two cents about you because they make more money. Let me clue you in about making relational decisions based on a dollar amount. IT ALWAYS GETS SOLD TO THE HIGEST BIDDER. #fixyourface Look the person your with (or have been with)… can you say in your heart that if you got hit by a car and could no longer walk, would they be there? If you were involved in an accident and could never have sex again, would they stay? If you got laid off, would they stand by you? I’m not asking you anything I never asked myself. The scary part was when I asked myself those questions, the answers were all no and I was married.
People settle for the love they THINK they deserve. If you did not grow up and see a functional healthy relationship, how do you expect to have one? *crickets*. I hate to be the bearer of bad news Fam, but just because the majority of behaviors you see people do, doesn’t make it right. Folks jump into relationships with baggage, unrealistic expectations, and wounds that have never been healed. Now if you get 2 people together like this? Disaster. Even 1 of the 2? Disaster. 2 half people don’t make 1 whole. Most people are not successful in relationships because they don’t know how to be single. POW.
I know I just opened many cans of worms, don’t worry… I’m going to expand on those in later posts but for now I want to give you some jewels about what a REAL healthy relationship should look like… and if yours doesn’t? You and only you need to think about why… and in some cases (i.e. Domestic Violence), I’m sorry Luvs… it never will.
I used to be one of those people that just thought I had an A-hole magnet built in that I couldn’t find. Then finally after years of precious time, energy, tears all of which by the way you don’t ever get back I realized the problem was me. People did me dirty, sure…But I let them. See for a long time, I didn’t know my worth and I settled for ANYBODY, just to have SOMEBODY, so I didn’t feel like NOBODY. Granted, there are some folks that are just plain crazy and you get side swiped. Trust me, I know. But if this is a continual pattern? It’s you. Kids that grow up in homes where the parents fist fight, 9 times out of 10 find themselves in a similar relationship at some point in their life. When I referred to baggage, Fam… if you have had some traumatizing event (rape, DV, sexual abuse) happen to you and you have never gotten proper healing or help? You’re not going to find that in another person. That person will NEVER be able to “fix you”, only God does that. If you continue on that path you are setting yourself up to be hurt over and over again. People walk by mirrors every day… Some even spend hours in them but they never see themselves. You should ALWAYS have something in yourself to work on. It’s so dangerous when you think you’re fine. You’re not. Nobody is. But some stuff? We do it to ourselves. I hate to use this as an example but it’s the truth. If you are half naked or all the way naked on the internet… you either truly just dig yourself naked and don’t give a rat’s ass who sees you or you are empty in a place that never gets filled and the temporary satisfaction of attention numbs it enough that you can carry on. The thing is though, if that’s you…don’t get upset with “thirsty” or an ability to find somebody real. You’re going to get what you are setting yourself up to attract. If you don’t like it, change it.
FRIENDSHIP: You should never, ever, ever date a person or try to build a relationship with someone who is not your FRIEND. What is a friend? Someone you can talk to, TRUST, someone you enjoy hanging out with, doing activities, share your hopes & dreams… get it? None of this has anything to do with sex. Sex should NEVER be confused with a relationship. Some folks are happy with relationships that are “just sex”, but somebody ALWAYS gets hurt in those. If you are looking for something more then sex, START BEING A FRIEND 1st. Do you remember the days you were in school? All you had was the phone. You’d talk for hours…Some of us had better “puppy love” relationships then adult relationships. Unfortunately, for most people they have sex first then end up in a relationship after they’ve had sex a few times. If you build a house, the foundation comes first. If it’s not strong? That house, comes tumbling down. If you skip out on getting to knows somebody, it’s your own fault when a year later you start discovering all these things you don’t like or can’t live with.
LOVE THY SELF: If you don’t love you… don’t expect anyone else to know how to love you. Loving yourself is not being conceited. It’s loving & respecting yourself as a valuable human being and setting up boundaries of what is and is not okay for you. This doesn’t happen overnight, it’s taken me 30 years and I’m still learning but you have to start somewhere. For me personally, if somebody starts yelling & swearing in a basic disagreement of opinion? That’s a reflag for me personally and I’m all set on the conversation. I’m not yelling back, I’m hanging up. If we just started talking and you ask me for anything that involves nudity? Goodbye. I also no longer EVER consider dating anyone that can’t take care of themselves. I take care of myself, you need to be able to take care of yourself. Then? Maybe if it goes right we grow into taking care of each other. Again, those are just some things that are important to me PERSONALLY. Only you know what YOUR standards are but sadly many people don’t have ANY. Get some.
RED FLAGS: Stop ignoring them. You know, that one thing a person says and all of your internal warning bells go SICK and you ignore it… Doesn’t it always come back to bite you?
UNDERSTAND CHANGING PEOPLE IS NOT AN OPTION: This never works and anyone who “changes for you” is an idiot. When you change, it has to be for you. If it’s not a personal desire for someone to stop drinking, smoking, cheating, overeating, etc it won’t last. Men & Women are not your personal social service projects. If they can’t take care of themselves, how are they ever going to help take care of you & vice versa?
ASK QUESTIONS: It is not against the law to find out what is going on. If you were going to spend your money, you know what you’re buying right? Why do you eat at your favorite restaurant why do you buy those kind of sneakers? Why did you buy this car? You know something about it before you buy it. Relationships are investments. Make informed decisions before you invest.
RESPECT: The relational bar of respect is evident from the very beginning. It comes across in communication (tone of voice, word choice, body language). Watch the way the person interacts with their family, friends, co-workers, society, etc. It’s a pretty good insight to who they are as a whole.
This is just a small tip of the iceberg. Don’t give up fam…it’s never too late to fix it. I only say that because I am not perfect, I’m not special, and have been through a young marriage that ended in divorce and a stupid adult marriage that ended in annulment and almost cost me my life. I spent almost 2 years, SINGLE. Healing. Then one day out of nowhere, the most amazing friend & person I’ve ever met fell into my lap. It happens Fam…I’m no different then any of you, but I had to start with me. It hurt like hell…but I made it.